‘Tonight the Stars Revolt!’- Powerman 5000

Awkward early teenagers sporting miserable body odor and 35-year old virgins living in their parents’ basement, unite! Come one, come all! Grab your Cheetos and your liters of soda, fire up the x-box,  and put on this tin can of a record, composed from all of the leftovers and scraps of material deemed by lead singer Spider-One’s older brother, Rob Zombie, as too crappy to make it on any of his records. Let’s dig into some of the lowest IQ music fans the world has ever known, shall we?

Released at the height of nu metal’s unfortunate reign in 1999, this stupid, muddled mess of a record actually managed to have its day in the sun. How? Well, who really knows? If you take a look around at the barren wasteland that was the musical climate of the late ’90s, you’ll soon see traces of why. All of a sudden, every limp-dick idiot between the age of 12 and 15 was just absolutely convinced that this shitty band, along with contemporaries like Mudvayne and Coal Chamber (ad nauseam), were the most gnarly and hardcore bands on the planet. Being forced to grow up alongside these people was an epidemic that deserved a lot more medical attention than was offered at the time. How is a young man supposed to grow up idealistic when every day he was subjected to this kind of nonsense? It will remain one of life’s great mysteries.

Singles released from the record, “Supernova Goes Pop”, “Nobody’s Real”, and “When Worlds Collide”, all had heavy video rotation on MTV. The funny thing is that you never know when these songs end and where the next one begins, because the music is so stuck in its tracks. These songs don’t move, they’re stuck in quicksand. What’s more, the tried and true nu metal vocals are all over this record, which sound more like the Cookie Monster has taken an anvil to his toe than anything else. Alright, and really, what is with the opening narrative piece “An Eye Is Upon You”? Has this band no decency whatsoever, as to take such bold, unashamed measures to steal a White Zombie trademark? Jesus H. Christ. At least pretend that you’ve got something original up your sleeve!

What this record ultimately reveals is that lightweight Spider lives his entire life in vain, knowing that his older brother, for one reason or another, received all of the artistic genes. This record is such a blatant, hamfisted rip-off of any Zombie material ever released. So much so, that it should offend any and all Zombie fans. Family gatherings must be very awkward. How does Rob look across the table at this guy and have any kind of sympathy? He must be a damn good man. As for the rest of us? Well, we’re just happy that the general public is no longer being subjected to such banal shit. Even so, looking at the entire nu metal scene in 2017, one begins to find it so hard to believe that it ever took off in the first place. Perhaps, that’s giving the general population who enjoyed this scene too much credit. Still, it’s mind-numbing to think that this shit ever had any time in the limelight. This is truly one of the worst records of all time.

0/5

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